Thou Shalt Always Cook
I love food and I love music. I couldn’t resist reinterpreting Thou Shalt Always Kill by the brilliant Dan Le Sac Vs Scroobius Pip, into a food rant.
Play the video, listen to the words, chuckle, play it again whilst reading my words, chuckle some more.
That Shalt Always Cook
Thou shalt not microwave baked potatoes;
Thou shalt not worship TV chefs or follow cookalongs;
Thou shalt not take the names of Fanny Craddock, Keith Floyd, Ken Hom, Elizabeth David, Anthony Bourdain, Hugh Fearnley Wittingstall or Escoffier in vein;
Thou shalt not think that any male under 16 doing domestic science is gay or a bit queer, some people just like to cook;
Thou shalt not eat KFC;
Thou shalt not start liking a food just because it has become popular;
Thou shalt not question Blumenthal;
Thou shalt not judge a cookbook by its cover;
Thou shalt not judge Italian food by Jamie Oliver;
Thou shalt not buy Coca Cola products,
Thou shalt not buy Nestle products,
Thou shalt not invite people round to dinner serve ready meals from M&S and say you made them;
Thou shalt not get drunk so easily;
Thou shalt not use food, wine or cake to get into girls pants……use it to get into their heads;
Thou shalt not watch Masterchef;
Thou shalt not attend a cookery class and then think you can cook just because you can make a fucking cupcake, you self righteous prick;
Thou shalt not return to the same restaurant week in & week out just because you fancy the waitress who was only being nice to you because she wants a bigger tip;
Thou shalt not slag off supermarkets just because people you don’t like shop in them, no matter how big they are or small;
Tesco… is just a shop;
Sainsburys… just a shop;
Waitrose… just a shop;
Morrisons… just a shop;
Co Op… just a shop;
Spar… just a shop;
M&S… just a shop;
Budgens… just a shop;
Aldi… just a shop;
Netto… just a shop;
Lidl… just a shop;
Asda… just a shop;
Somerfield… just a shop;
Farmfoods… just a shop;
Iceland… just a shop;
The farmers market …just a shop.
Thou shalt try and buy British products in season as much as possible even though those strawberries from the USA, over there, are on special;
Thou shalt remember that Pringles, Rustlers and Diet Coke were never part of a balanced diet and never will be;
Thou shalt not buy one to get one free;
Thou shalt not buy one to get one free;
Thou shalt not buy one to get one free;
Thou shalt not buy one to get one free;
Thou shalt not pimp my snack;
Thou shalt not believe Every little helps;
Thou shalt not think Bounty is the taste of paradise;
Thou shalt not trust that That’s Asda price;
When I say “cheap” thou shalt not say “good”;
When I say “veg” thou shalt not say “crisps”;
When I say, he say, she say, we say “Diet Coke break”…..kill me;
Thou shalt not be lovin’ it;
Thou shalt not eat Cadburys chocolate any longer;
Thou shalt not eat all you can at Pizza Hut buffet;
Thou shalt spell the word yoghurt : Y-O-G-H-U-R-T not `Y-O-G-U-R-T regardless of what Danone, Muller or Yeo Valley tells you;
Thou shalt not feign pleasure or delight at another shit foam or balsamic reduction by saying “it’s lovely”
Thou shalt eat fresh food;
But most importantly of all:
Thou Shalt Always…
Thou Shalt Always… Cook
[Apologies to Mr Le Sac & Mr Pip]
Brilliant laughed the whole way throught! I’m sure Mr Pip will be very proud of your re-write. If I had a hat, I’d take it off.
This is great! Captures the mood of the original really well, and makes some good points 😉
ps. The jukebox and the terrorist to do a ‘healthy eating campaign’ with this! Think of all that tasty government ca$h.
Mr. Pip himself tweeted us these lyrics, well done Epicurean, very well done 🙂
but I LOVE masterchef!! (well, the aussie version anyway – haven’t seen the brit one!)